2023- The Year I Never Saw Coming

2023- The Year I Never Saw Coming

2023 started with our cruise being rerouted due to weather.  Yes, we missed out on Bermuda- but our delay in Orlando meant we were at Kennedy Space Center for the first Falcon 9 launch of 2023.

Days after we returned home, we received the biggest shock of the entire year- a call from the Fairfax County Victim Services Unit informing us that Andy’s first stepfather, Alan, with whom we had a good but not particularly close relationship, was murdered by his other stepson, who was actually trying to kill Alan’s current wife.

And it’s been a wild ride ever since. Because I was still processing things, I wasn’t sure about what or how to say for some of the items on the list, which is why it’s coming out mid-January instead of the last day of December.  But I think I’ve finally gotten it where I want it, because although I am happy to share these lists with you, I write them for me- so that I can look back on a bad day and remind myself what a badass I am. So, as has become my custom, here is my list of accomplishments and adventures for 2023.

1. I performed in my first show in four years, back at Colonial Players of Annapolis, a theatre where I had last performed 21 years earlier.
2. I designed and maintained the wigs for the same show.
3. I was appointed to the Board of Directors for Colonial Players and did well enough that I have been asked to run again for the position during this spring’s elections.
4. I served on the Dragon Board for Frederick Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans.
5. I completed a 13 month course in Empowered Witchcraft with Blackfeather Mystery School.
6. I attended three pagan retreats- Sacred Space Conference, Free Spirit Gathering, and Twilight Covening.
7. I went to Free Spirit Gathering alone, knowing no almost one, based solely on the recommendations that it was a good group of people and a great pagan festival.
8. At Free Spirit Gathering, I volunteered with the Medical team as someone who could render First Aid and provide emergency mental health care. I even discovered a crucial piece of information that was missing when someone’s symptoms weren’t adding up, allowing us to get them the correct care.
9. I decided at the last minute to cancel a trip for a fourth retreat because I realized getting ready for it was seriously stressing me out, and the presenters I was most excited about are part of my faith community, meaning I had access to them any time. Because of the way the weekend unfolded for me, saying “no” was probably one of the best decisions I made all year.
10. I completed Level I Gottman training for working with couples.
11. On the way back from a trip to see Hadestown on Broadway, I traveled by car through the Lincoln Tunnel, which I hadn’t done since 2014 when doing so triggered one of the worst panic attacks of my life.  I wasn’t driving, and I had to take an Ativan, but I did it!
12. I volunteered at Frederick Gay Pride.
13. I served on the Board for Frederick Pagan Pride Day and volunteered at the First Aid table.
14. I faced my fears (of food that’s looking at me) and took a class to learn how to filet a fish and make delicious things with it.
15. I attended two acting workshops and a marketing class.
16. I served in support of a Celebration of Life for a beloved member of my faith community.
17. I learned several new ways to play with fire.
18. I learned how to roll sushi.
19. I taught two classes at Frederick CUUPS.
20. I served as a Sighted Guide for the Visioning Ritual at Twilight Covening.
21. I led the Frederick CUUPS Samhain ritual.
22. I auditioned for three shows and was called back for all three.
23. I added a new tattoo to my collection that honors where I came from and where I’m going.
24. I went to therapy.  A lot of it.
25. I stepped way outside my comfort zone and stumbled upon something I didn’t even realize was missing from my life.

I head into 2024 feeling mostly optimistic. It’s an election year, so that’s a bit worrying, but I am surrounded by a wonderful community that is supportive and encouraging. As I said on an another post, my word for 2024 is Stretch. The photo below was my message from Spirit at the New Years Day Purification Ritual, so I know I’m on the right path.

What I’ve Done In 2021

Okay, this has been another year where I just have to say, if you made it this far- CONGRATULATIONS!  It was another brutal year, and merely surviving it is more than enough to be proud of. There are so many times that I’ve looked back on something and thought, “that was THIS year?” The year started off with domestic terrorism that was the treasonous insurrection on January 6th, and is ending with a COVID surge that is taking out more people that I personally know than I have seen at any point in this pandemic.

However dark and scary the greater world may have been this year, there were times of light and wonder and excitement in my little world. One thing that made this year stand out was all of the reunions!  Moving back to our home state after 16 years away brought us all of the people that we got to see again – the CozDiers were reunited for the first time in 10 years, I’ve spent time with several friends from high school and college, and we got to spend the holidays with our extended family for the first time in forever.

Our family also had two big milestones- the kids’ first trip to Disney World, and Andy’s retirement from the Air Force after 23 years of service.

In addition to all of that, here are my individual accomplishments and other things I’m proud of:

1. I found a way to make the annual Momma and Me Yuletide theatre trip happen even though the theatres were all closed.  We set up an Italian bistro in the gaming den and watching “Jingle Jangle” on Netflix.
2. I read at least 16 books (those are the ones I remember… I’m guessing there are probably more!)
3. I got vaccinated and boosted.
4. I drove halfway across the country by myself.
5. I put my feet on the ground in two new states- Indiana and Ohio.
6. I finally made it to Casey, IL- home of the world’s largest collection of “World’s Largest” things
7. I survived our final PCS.
8. I forged a knife and a decorative piece for the house
9. I recovered from several panic attacks in very public places.
10. I became my own boss and started a private practice
11. I set boundaries in my work life regarding scheduling- I did not work on my birthday, nor most of my holidays.  I also told people “no” when they requested evening and weekend appointments after I had already told them I only had daytime availability before they even started.
12. I prioritized spending the necessary money and vacation time on attending two spiritual retreats- one virtual, one in person.
13. I prioritized taking one hour per week to meet up with a group of folx that I met through one of my pagan groups and have grown to be an absolutely essential part of of my support system.
14. I went to the farmers market every week for fresh seasonal fruit and vegetables.
15. I spent tons of time outdoors hiking and swimming with the family.
16. I took the kids on several individual Momma and Me Adventures- archery clinics and theatre for Logan, and geocaching and zoo trips for Owen.
17. While I was not successful in my quest to shoot him in the face, I did cause a foam groundhog to take an arrow to the knee.  I also got him straight through the heart and right in the family jewels.
18. I performed with my bellydance school at a nursing home and three events- the Annapolis Arts Festival, the Bowie Baysox game, and Midnight Madness in Annapolis.
19. I auditioned for two shows and was called back for one of them.
20. I decorated three bellydance bra tops on my own.
21. I learned how to play taiko drums.
22. I learned how to spin a fire staff.
23. I learned how to dance with a sword on my head.
24. I made kid-friendly feasts for Yule and Samhain.
25. I made my own Yule decorations.
26. I made a near-perfect Yule Log cake.
27. I survived Whamageddon for the first time.
28. I didn’t get COVID.

I’ve already got a lot of plans and events on the calendar for 2022- and so far two of them have been postponed and one has been switched from in-person to virtual.  It’s frustrating, and I hope it will end soon.  Guess we’ll find out! But even if this does wind up being a year full of virtual events and dining outdoors, I’m sure there will still be parts that make it wonderful.

Wishing you and yours a HEALTHY and happy 2022!

Hindsight on 2020

So, before I dive into this, I do want to say- if you made it through this year, CONGRATULATIONS! This has been a TOUGH year for everyone. I know that so many people out there are struggling with loneliness, depression, anxiety, homesickness, grief, and so much more. I don’t deny that I have been fortunate- Andy and I both kept our jobs, and I even transitioned to a job with better hours, better pay, and less stress. I was an essential worker, so I got to leave my house regularly, which helped with the cabin fever. And yet this year was still such a chore- I can only imagine how much more of struggle it’s been for those of you that didn’t have a supportive partner, financial stability, and/or the ability to get out of the house.

I debated with myself over whether I should post this list this year. The idea that a long list of accomplishments might make someone feel worse than they already are has weighed heavily on my mind. But in the end, I decided I still want to share, in the hopes that some of the things in my life might make you realize you not only survived, you progressed.

So, here’s my “what I did” list for 2020:

1. I traveled to two new states- Nebraska and Kansas.
2. I completed an advanced tarot class.
3. I went back to therapy.
4. I built a home altar.
5. I became a certified instructor of the Common Sense Parenting program.
6. I pulled off two major surprises- attending my sister’s baby shower and our upcoming Disney trip.
7. I maintained and even increased my connection with family and friends who were far away, including virtually attending an engagement ceremony for my cousin and a recital for my niece.
8. I made a vision board and managed to manifest it (mostly).
9. I picked up a new hobby that was pandemic-friendly and brought me closer to my goal of spending more time in nature- geocaching!
10. I volunteered with Free Mom Hugs.
11. I attended cooking classes in Spain and Portugal (virtually).
12. I got back in the pool in August and have been pretty consistently swimming 1000-1500 yards at least once a week.
13. I made vegetable soup from scratch, including making my own stock!
14. I finally saw the last season of “The Good Place.” (Gods that was brutal!)
15. We found a way to safely keep having date night despite the pandemic. It usually involved ordering some delicious takeout and watching a movie after the kids went to bed, but every once in a while we would go somewhere with outdoor dining or well-spaced tables.
16. I finally got the beach trip I’ve been wanting for two years. Sure, it was only because we had to travel to the Eastern shore to bury my beloved mother-in-law… but it was still two days at the beach on a gloriously sunny, warm-but-not-hot days, splashing and sunning with my family.
17. I arranged two pandemic-safe family getaways- one to the woods (my happy place!) and one to a water park.
18. I gathered with my girlfriends to participate in a “real witches” photoshoot. Some of our outfits were stereotypical AF, but everyone in the photos is a practicing witch.
19. I made a concerted effort to support small businesses and independent artists.
20. I made themed feasts for Samhain and Yule.
21. I learned a new meditation technique – using a labyrinth.
22. I got back on track with eating pescatarian food at least 50% of the time.
23. Despite having two jobs and lots of classes to attend, I managed to keep Family Movie Night as a sacred, not-to-be missed event for the past 9 months.
24. I managed to keep (mostly) sane when an emergency at the facility where I worked required that I work at least 12 hour days for two straight weeks.
25. I advocated for myself and elected to have surgery to correct a medical issue I’ve been battling for nearly 30 years. As a result, I’ve been able to go off two medications.
26. I survived grieving alone for a week while also supporting my two grieving children when my mother-in-law died since Andy left to be with his family and help with her final arrangements and no one else could be with me due to the pandemic.
27. I triumphed over my overdeveloped sense of loyalty and took the opportunity to move into a new job that was a better choice for me when it came along.
28. I took an entire long weekend for myself to (virtually) attend a spiritual retreat that I’ve been wanting to go to for years.
29. I accomplished my goal of connecting more deeply to my faith, and have watched with great joy as that connection has spread to my children.
30. I spent a lot more time reading than I have in many, many years.
31. And perhaps my greatest accomplishment of all this year- I greatly improved my ability to ask for help when it was needed and to accept help when it was offered.

Here’s to next year being better than the last!

2019 in Review

Wow, this year was a doozy….  We started out with a redo on New Year’s Eve, because we didn’t get a chance to celebrate on the 31^st due to Andy still being quite ill from whatever it was he picked up in Morocco.  For nearly the first half of the year, I suffered from life-impairing anxiety that was largely the result of the emotional trauma inflicted over the previous two years, which were the worst two years of my life.  It didn’t help that we were dealing with the usual PCS stress, as well as preparing to our boys say goodbye to the only home they had ever really known.  We spent three months sleeping on mattresses on the floor.  We spent three weeks technically homeless as we transitioned from temporary living quarters to staying with family to a hotel suite before finally moving into our new home, where we were essentially glamping for six weeks while we waited for our furniture.  However, in the end, our move to Illinois was the best thing that happened to us in a long time.  To our great surprise, we are thriving in the Midwest.  We’re only guaranteed 18 more months here before Andy retires, but we now view staying here as a viable option.

As is my custom, I have made a list of the things I accomplished in 2019.

1. I accomplished my goal of “40 by 40”- to see 40 countries and territories before I turned 40.*
2. I added two new countries (Romania and Scotland) and two new states (Illinois and Missouri) to my Been There, Done That list.
3. I ticked six items off my bucket list: visiting Transylvania, visiting the Isle of Skye, seeing the Kerry Dark Sky Reserve, attending the Beltane Fire Festival in Edinburgh, taking a sleeper train and riding on a paddlewheel river boat.
4. I survived a day alone at Legoland with a rambunctious 4yo and an 8yo whose mother (me) had forgotten to give him his ADHD medication.
5. I managed to keep our weekends free in March, which was my birthday present to my husband, who often complains that I overschedule us. It wound up benefiting me in the end, too- that’s how we managed to fit in a last minute trip to Romania for his birthday!
6. I pushed through and finished a vacation even though I was so paralyzed by anxiety that I was physically ill, unable to eat and all I wanted to do was change our flights and go home.
7. After that trip, and with strong support and encouragement from my doctor, I got over myself, accepted that I needed help, went back to therapy and agreed to start taking daily medication.
8. I worked through the shame I felt for not realizing that the digestive issues I was having were somatic symptoms of anxiety, even though I’m a therapist and felt I should have known better.
9. I made it through about 90% of the narrow, crowded passageways of Eilean Donan Castle without medication before finally having to leave because my coping skills were failing, and I was about to have a panic attack.
10. I survived “the year of firsts” after my best friend’s death in 2018. I still miss her every day.
11. I advocated for my son and worked with his amazing school team from 2^nd grade to create a highly detailed IEP that has helped him have another amazing first half of the school year at his new school.
12. I squeezed in one last “Momma and Me” adventure to the West End to see “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime,” which was especially meaningful to us because my 9yo was able to see someone like him as the main character of a story, and representation matters.
13. I was able to take my son to meet Dav Pilkey, author of the Captain Underpants and Dogman books, who is completely open about having ADHD and how it helped him get where he is, because again, representation matters.
14. I advocated for my son and was able to convince a sympathetic phone agent to move our seats from the horrible-for-someone-with-sensory-issues position in the very last row (the loudest, narrowest, and possibly smelliest area of the plane) to the middle of the plane but on opposite sides and several rows apart, and then convinced a gate agent to change our new assigned seats so that we could all be together.
15. I taught my 5yo how to shuck corn, which is one of my favorite family memories from childhood.
16. I was able to treat my husband to two of his favorite things- a Postmodern Jukebox concert and an evening with Neil deGrasse Tyson.
17. I was invited to represent the spouses of Scott Air Force Base who work in professionally licensed fields at a Leadership Council brunch.
18. While at that brunch, I met one of my childhood idols, Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
19. I utilized my available resources to advocate for myself and network with well-connected community leaders who helped me obtain my professional license in a timelier manner.
20. My experience provided those leaders with a case example that they could take to the legislators who are working to streamline the process for military spouses moving to the area.
21. I obtained professional licenses in two new states.
22. I sent out 10 resumes, received 5 interviews and 3 job offers.
23. I was promoted within three months of starting my new job.
24. I created a birthday “cake” made of KitKats for my 9yo, who doesn’t like frosting.
25. I put my needs first by admitting to my partner that I desperately needed a break from being a parent, and with his support, turned a local three day conference into a business trip by booking a room at a hotel that was only 15 minutes from our house.
26. I furthered my goal to shoot an arrow straight through the eye of as many foam animals as possible when I shot the head off a foam turkey at a Women in Wilderness event.
27. I made a concerted effort to shop local.
28. I made it through my first tornado warning without having a panic attack.
29. I greatly expanded my knowledge about my faith and magick.
30. I found my tribe.

My word for 2019 was Flexibility, because I knew that it would be a year of great transition and change, and that my only way to make it through was to do my best to always remain flexible.  As anticipated, I found myself needing to remember my word often.

Based on the current trajectory of my life, my word for 2020 will be Faith.  Attending “Sunday School” at Sincerely, The Craft as a way of expanding my knowledge and my support system has become a vital part of my self-care. Additionally, now that the wounds of our last two years in England are truly healing, I look forward to continuing to build on my faith in systems and community.  That will be an active undertaking, as we all know that many systems are broken and will need great repairs before they can fulfill the promise that they had when originally formed.  Part of my Faith focus will be increasing my activism for social change, because I have faith that things do get better.

May your 2020 be what you need it to be.  Happy New Year, and bright blessings to you all!

 

*Because I’m sure at least some of you will be curious-  here’s the list of 41 countries and territories I’ve visited so far:  Austria, the Bahamas, Belgium, Canada, the Cayman Islands, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, England, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Liechtenstein, Malta, Mexico, Monaco, Morocco, The Netherlands, Northern Ireland, Norway, Portugal, Puerto Rico, Romania, Russia, Scotland, Spain, St. Thomas, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, Turks & Caicos, Vatican City and Wales.

Fearing for the Future

Today I attended my son’s MLK assembly.  It was surprisingly emotional for me, as I thought about all the good work that Dr. King and his followers have done and how today is President Obama’s last day in office.  I was so proud of my child, and yet so scared for the future.  Back in 2011, as the Arab Spring movement really began picking up steam in the Middle East, I remarked to someone who was tut-tutting it that I had no doubt that an Arab Spring-like movement would eventually ensnare the US.  Here we are, with a significant percentage of the population so dissatisfied with their current lot in life that they were willing to turn the other cheek to a series of hateful rhetoric, demeaning behavior, and rights violations. I fear that peace and hope for positive race relations are in even graver danger in the US now. We are a country divided, and the new president is not the man to unite us.

I have a lot of friends marching on Washington on Saturday. I fear for their safety, because there is sure to be violence, especially at a march organized by, for and about women, in protest of a new president who normalized sexual assaults on women.  I pray that the violence will be limited and minor, but I worry  that there is at least some chance that I will turn on the television and discover that it took the same sickening twist that some of the Arab Spring protests took and I will see stories of women who had their clothes ripped off and were brutally assaulted by multiple perpetrators.  If you think this is catastrophizing, think about the number of “how to be safe at the march” articles that have been circulating.  I know I’ve never seen so many.

I fear that there will be continued uprisings and conflict between racial minorities and law enforcement. I fear that my LGBTQ friends will lose some of the progress they’ve made in the last 10 years.  I fear that too many families will learn the hard way just how essential preventative care and coverage for pre-existing conditions is.

I fear that the dam will eventually break, and the anger, frustration and violence will spill over into the streets on a wide scale, not  just in the individual towns where a triggering hincident occurs.  I fear that much like Arab Spring, this will peak in about two years, just as I return to the US with two young impressionable boys.

Unlike my husband, I am not in the military, so I can say what I think, and I think the President-elect is vile, dangerous, unqualified, and likely mentally ill.  However, I do not want him to fail miserably, because if he fails miserably, he will take us all down with him.

I hope that the next four years proves me wrong. I hope that we find our way to peaceful coexistence without detouring through periods of extreme violence or destruction.  I intend to do what I can to further the process- to speak my mind against injustice, to give credit where credit is due, and to do my very best to respect the opinions of those who disagree with me, unless their opinion is violating the rights of another person.

I hope that you will all do the same.

Why Aren’t You Coming Home?

Whenever I talk to a group of military spouses living overseas, one common thread comes up- family being upset that the military family isn’t coming home more often. Now, there are plenty of military families living overseas who do spend almost every travel dollar they have going back and forth to the States, or have the time to take hops back and forth, staying for weeks at a time.  But many of us don’t, and it’s not that we don’t miss our families- it’s that there’s a whole entire world out there.

I wanted to take a moment to address a few common complaints I hear from other spouses.

Complaints Made By Our Families Back In the States

“The grandchildren are growing up without us! How can you do that to them?”

Here’s the thing: most military kids don’t know that they are “supposed” to grow up close to their grandparents.  The closest my kids have ever been to their grandparents is 2 ½ hours away, and for my littlest one, that was only for four months.  As far as my little one knows, grandparents are primarily related to through the iPad, and they still have a great relationship with them.  You should see the smiles on their faces when they hear me tell my phone “Hi!” and a grandparent’s voice says “Hi!” back.  We actually just returned from a trip to the States, and my kiddos knew their grandparents right away.  Relationships through FaceTime followed by the occasional in-person visit is normal for them.

“But, you can fly to us for free!”

Ahhhhhh, the Space A conundrum.  Yes, the military does have a program by which members and their dependents living overseas can fly for free (or close enough to it, anyway) … but it’s not that simple.  Space A stands for “Space Available” and that’s just what it is… IF there is space available, you can get a seat on the flight (and “seat” is a term I use loosely, because unless you’re on the rotator bringing troops home from downrange, your “seat” is likely to be a jumpseat).  Oh, and you’re going to need to haul twice as much stuff, because the military aircraft are only partially climate controlled, so even in the dead of summer, it’s cold once you get up in the air, and you’ll want a blanket or sleeping bag.  I flew back to the States in December one time, and I had on my scarf, hat and gloves the entire time.  In order to get warm enough to sleep, I had to put on my stadium-length down coat.  Now, since my flight cost $3.00 for my in-flight “meal” (sandwich, chips and a drink), I wasn’t complaining…. Still, we aren’t exactly flying first class. But I digress…

The first time we were overseas, we were stationed at Ramstein, the crown jewel in the Air Force’s European presence.  Our family was in the DC area, which happens to be surrounded by places that military aircraft land.  There were usually no less than 15 flights each week going to an air base or airport within no more than 2-4 hours of our family.  I also didn’t have a steady job for most of that time, so I could wait in the terminal for 3 days trying to get a flight out, and didn’t have to stress about buying a commercial flight home when I couldn’t get back to Europe in a week’s worth of attempts (which happened- it took me a week to get back home one time).  This time, we are at a small base that has a completely different mission, so there are almost no flights to the DC area, and flights within 2-4 hours of our family sometimes happen three times a week, and sometimes not at all.  But let’s just suppose I was able to get a flight from here to McConnell AFB in Kansas, because that’s all that’s flying out in the next three days, and since I’m now working full time and only have ten days off work, there’s no point in going if I can’t get out in the first three days, because I’ll have to spend at least the last three days of the trip trying to get home.  Well, if I had to buy tickets tomorrow from Kansas to DC, it would cost me $1200- and that’s to an airport over an hour from my family.  If I want to go to the closest airport to them, it will cost me $1800.  Now it’s time to go home, but there isn’t anything headed for England (our current home).  So I take a flight to Germany, just to get across the pond.  I can get my family of four home tomorrow on a budget airline for about $450, but then we have to pay for our bags.  Assuming we each have a bag and it’s high season, I’m paying another $250 for our bags.  Oh, and let’s not forget the hotels that we had to pay for in Kansas and Germany because we couldn’t get out the same day, so that’s at least $200, because after our break-in scare in Florida, I’m no longer willing to stay in the dirt-cheap motels, and $100 per night is about the best you can do for a reasonable hotel. That means I’ve spent at least $1900, which is a steal compared to the $5,500 I just paid for commercial tickets for our trip back to the States this summer, but it’s still a far cry from free.  It’s even worse if I can’t get that flight to Germany- after all, I’ve got to get back to work.  If I had to buy tickets tomorrow from the DC area to London, that’s $2,000 just for those flights, bringing our total to nearly $4,000 for our “free” flights, at which point I’d rather just shell out the extra $1500 and skip the hassle and uncertainty.

“You’re travelling all the time. If you have so much money, why aren’t you coming home more often?”

Okay. First of all, let’s address one of my pet peeves: I come home at 4:30 every day.   Maryland is where I was born and raised; my current location, where the three most important people in my world also reside, is home- wherever that may be.  But moving on… yes, I have been to the Czech Republic, Hungary, Bavaria, Belgium and Ireland (three times) in the past nine months, and I have tickets to go to the Canary Islands for six days before the year is out. The airfare and hotels for all of those trips added together cost me almost the exact same amount as I spent on airfare alone for our recent trip to the States (although in fairness, two of those trips didn’t involve the whole family, and I didn’t count the Bavaria trip, which was for business and therefore fully reimbursed).  Plus, I can go to Prague over Thanksgiving and not miss work.  I went to Dublin and to Brugge FOR THE DAY.  Because of the jet lag, it’s not really worth going to the States for less than a week, so that’s five days off work; between those nine trips in 18 months, I will have missed 13 days of work.

“But… the terrorism!”

Well, I can understand this.  But I’ll be honest with you… I’m far more concerned that my children or I will be shot in a school in the US than I am that we’ll be the victims of a terrorist attack here in Europe.  Plus, I can further reduce the risk of being blown up in a terrorist attack by not going to popular tourist areas (my preferred way to spend vacations anyway).  I can’t avoid sending my children to school.  Well, I suppose I could homeschool them… but, no.  I do not have the patience to homeschool, and I’ve invested too much time and money in my education and career to give it all up over a still extremely unlikely event.  Oh, and refugees fall into this category too, but I’ll be honest- in the past six months, the only two times I have personally seen refugees are from over 1500 feet away as we drove past the refugee camps at the port of Calais, and begging at the food court at the Annapolis Mall (which is in Maryland, not Europe).  Based on the conversation I overheard between a patron and a security guard, I’m not even certain that the girls at the Annapolis Mall were refugees.

 

And In Fairness… Our Complaints.  Because We Complain, Too.

There’s only two of you… and you’re adults.

For the majority of us, the people doing the complaining are our parents, which means that when it comes to flying to be together, there are only two of them, and at least three of us.  Right now I have a toddler and small child, and a direct flight from London to DC is about 7-8 hours.  Including airport time, we are travelling for at least 12 hours and flying across 5 time zones. While that’s not super fun for anyone, on my last trip to the States, with just my (then) 11 month old infant, my flight back to the UK was pure hell- he was overtired by the time we got on the flight, and he cried for almost all of the first two hours of the flight.  No one was happy.  On this most recent trip, he didn’t cry nearly that much, but he was unhappy, and within the first two hour of the flight, I had been doused by water, orange juice, worn macaroni and cheese, been slapped twice and scratched once, and yelled at by a passenger who found it a grievous insult that I needed to pass by him to get to the only bathroom on the entire aircraft with a changing table large enough for a toddler.  Again, all in the first two hours.

We’ve “Been There, Done That.”

Where you live in the States isn’t new to us, but where we live overseas probably is new to you.  Although in the interest of full disclosure, the only family that has come to visit us here in the almost year and a half we’ve been in England is our family members that come to England regularly because one of them is English- but they also visited a few times when we lived in Germany. It’s not that we don’t want to see our family; it’s that we’ve been given an amazing opportunity to see all the places we grew up dreaming about for a fraction of what it would cost to travel there from the States, but it’s a narrow window- most people will only be in an overseas duty location for 2-4 years. If you were in our position…. Wouldn’t you make the same choice?  In fact, if it’s really about spending time together, why don’t you come here?  Or, if you don’t fancy where your loved one is currently stationed, but have always dreamed of vacationing in Iceland or Italy or Portugal (or Thailand or Australia or India for my Pacific-based friends), why don’t we meet up there and ALL spend our money and vacation time on an actual vacation?

 

No Easy Answers

I know there are no easy solutions to this conundrum.  When families live half a world apart, someone will always be holding the short stick when it comes to getting together.  I know it can be hard to articulate how we are all feeling.  I know some families feel that the onus is on the military family because we are the ones that moved away.  I know that the media has convinced us all that you are likely to get attacked every time you walk out of the door, and that goes double if you’re in Europe, especially France, Belgium and Germany.

Remember- it’s not that we don’t love you. It’s not that we don’t miss you.  It’s that we have a discreet period of time to have these incredible adventures, to let our children see that people all over the world are primarily the same, and that there are good people in every country, no matter what the media tells you.  We all talk about wanting to end racism, to end murder in the name of religion, and the way forward on that one is to better understand people and cultures with which we are unfamiliar.  I’m not willing to pass that up.  We have the rest of our lives to live near family in the US- we may only have the next two years to live in Europe.  We love our families, but we have made our choice to sacrifice face-to-face time with them in exchange for being able to show our children (or just ourselves!) the wide, wide world up close and personal.  We know this is difficult for some of the folks back in the States to accept, but we hope they will at least respect it, and refrain from giving too much push back when we explain that a trip to the States just isn’t in the cards anytime soon- especially if they aren’t getting on a plane themselves.

Let’s Talk About Bravery and Courage…

In the last two days, I have seen a number of mean-spirited (in my opinion) posts taking issue with other people saying that Caitlyn Jenner is brave and courageous.  These are usually accompanied by a picture of a Wounded Warrior as an example of “real bravery and courage.”

So let’s talk about Bravery and Courage.

According to Merriam-Webster, bravery is defined as “feeling or showing no fear,” and courage is defined as “the ability to do something you know is difficult or dangerous.”  I’ve also heard courage defined as “being afraid but doing it anyway,” but that’s just a layman’s definition.

Caitlyn Jenner elected to have surgery to make her outward appearance match her inner feeling about what her gender is.  I understand this is a confusing topic for people, and the fact that most people don’t know or don’t care to distinguish between sex, which is biological, and gender, which is psychological and culturally defined, isn’t helping.  Having specialized in issues about sex, gender and human sexuality,  I want to scream every time someone tells me they are doing a “gender reveal” for their baby.  That ultrasound tells you your baby’s sex, not their gender.  Now, it’s extremely likely that the baby’s sex will match their gender, but they are in fact two different things.  But I digress..

Back to Caitlyn… by making her choice, she exposed herself to a world of people who will mock her, say hateful things, physically abuse her and treat her as less than human.  She decided to do it anyway, because she wanted to be true to herself.  Even the surgery itself probably required some bravery and courage- almost everyone gets nervous about major surgery.

Now, let me ask you this… have you ever seen a child going off the diving board for the first time?  How they nervously creep up the ladder and shuffle down the board, constantly looking back to make sure whoever brought them to the pool is still here?  Then, they finally get to the board, and nervously wrap their toes around it.  They may make a few hesitant half-hops. Everyone watching waves and cheers and encourages the child.  Finally, the child makes a decision, puts a big smile on their face, grabs their nose, and takes the leap. What are the first words their loved one says to them when they break back through the surface of the water?  “YAY!  I’m so proud of you! You were so brave!”

Bravery and courage appear in many ways. The men and women who stand up and defend their country are indeed brave and courageous.  So is the protestor who calmly chants while chaos erupts around them and teargas fills the air.  So is the teenager who has never been away from home for more than a week but decides to go to college across the country because it’s the best school for them. So are the parents that elect to continue with a pregnancy after learning the child has a trisomy.  So is the five year old on the diving board.

Calling Caitlyn brave and courageous doesn’t make a service member any less brave or courageous, just as calling Steve Jobs a genius doesn’t making Stephen Hawking any less intelligent.  If you think more attention should be focused on the bravery of service members, then by all means, post your pictures and messages of support. But there’s no need to trash someone else or minimize their experience by doing it.

Feeling Beautiful versus Looking Beautiful

As anyone on Facebook is aware, there is a new thing going around where people are challenged by their friends to post at least five pictures in which they feel beautiful. I am 100% in favor of encouraging people to view themselves in a positive light rather than negative, but I did notice something interesting while I was looking at the posts others had made… almost everyone was posting pictures of themselves on special occasions, when they put extra effort into hair or makeup. Very few of the collages I saw included everyday snapshots, and that got me thinking…

While I certainly have a decent number of pictures where I look beautiful, I have very few pictures of the moments where I feel the most beautiful. I feel most beautiful when I am doing things that I am meant to do. I feel beautiful in my yoga classes, standing in Mountain Pose or Goddess Pose. I feel beautiful when everything clicks with a new move in bellydancing. I feel beautiful when my son’s face lights up as I walk through the door. I felt beautiful the night that the whole cast was in sync and we had a stellar performance of Doubt, despite the fact that I was in an extremely unflattering nun’s costume at the time. I felt beautiful while meditating in the first room of Turkish hamam, as I sat ladling water over myself to prepare my skin for a scrubbing. I felt beautiful breastfeeding my newborn son for the first time. What I realized was that I feel beautiful in those moments where I am feeling strong, alive, happy, creative, loved or spiritual, and that may not always be something that would come through in a photograph.

My little sister got married this past March in the Florida Keys. Because we are inundated with societal images of what we are supposed to look like, and even though I have reasonably good body image in general, it usually takes a Herculean effort to still feel beautiful looking at pictures where I am surrounded by her tan, thin, athletic friends. It was particularly difficult this time because I had lost almost 30 lbs in the months prior to the wedding. Adding to the difficulty this time was that I was three months pregnant, and was already starting to show a little, but only in that way where absolutely no one is brave enough to ask if you’re pregnant. When I look at the pictures, I see the sister that’s twice the size of her other sisters. During the reception pictures, I see the ruddy cheeks from the salt air (and copious amounts of crying during the Father-Daughter dance, but I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house on that one). But the truth is, what I remember is that I did feel beautiful that day. I had an amazing dress, I was there with my family, the weather was sheer perfection, and I was watching my completely blissed-out little sister marry an absolutely amazing man.

So, I carefully considered all this while choosing my pictures. I decided to go with pictures where I remember feeling beautiful at the time, even if they weren’t the most flattering pictures in my collection. Here’s what I chose:

1. This picture is the one dolled-up shot I chose. This was for the wedding of my dear friends Peter and Cheryl. It was a beautiful November day, and the truth is, my hair turned out amazing.

2. This was taken during our second trip to the Cliffs of Moher in County Clare, Ireland. On this particular trip, we hiked out along the Cliffs well past the “do not go past here” sign, and discovered a spot so filled with ancient energy that we’re sure was once a temple. I’m also completely obsessed with the cave that you can see in the background, for reasons that I cannot explain. What I do know is that I feel more free and peaceful in Ireland than any place on earth. So does my husband. It’s been five years since this was taken, and we both hear her siren song calling us back home.

3. This was when I was one month postpartum after having my first baby. With the help of an excellent dietitian, I had done extremely well with weight management during my pregnancy, and actually wound up losing weight while the baby grew. I walked out of the hospital at my pre-birth weight, and thanks to the glorious side effect of breastfeeding, I was down another 10 lbs when this was taken. Delivering a baby is one of the most physically intense things you can do, and every day after that I did this amazing thing where I nurtured my child with my own body. I felt so confident about the way I looked that I donned body-skimming shirt and pants and went as Catwoman for Halloween. Having the cutest little Batman you’ve ever seen didn’t hurt, either.

4. I can’t deny that I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie. I can’t bring myself to do anything really crazy, like extreme sports or skydiving… but I do love roller coasters and things that go fast. This was my son’s first speedboat ride. Being out there on the water with him, feeling his joy as the wind whipped at our faces while we bounced along the water, I just felt so very much alive.

5. This final shot was also a joyful day with my son. In the summer of 2013, my husband received orders to ship out on a no-notice deployment. The orders were cut and he was gone within 48 hours. He was away for two months, which is not much in the grand scheme of deployments, but it was the first time since my son was born that he’d been away for more than a week, and it was one of those “I’ll be back when I’m back” deployments, so we had no idea when he was coming home until about a week before he came home. We celebrated his return by using the extra money he made on the deployment to go on a family cruise. The photo below was taken at Magen’s Bay in St. Thomas. My husband wanted to ride underwater scooters, but my one and only attempt at scuba diving had been an all-out disaster, so we decided to split up for the day, and my son and I went on the beach excursion instead. We had a wonderful picnic on the beach, then played in the water for several hours. “Slooshing” Momma was one of his favorite games, and I felt positively radiant to be the source of his joy.

Year in Review- 2013

2013 had quite a few ups and downs. Some parts of the year were difficult- Andy had a deployment fall out of the sky, a old friend took his own life, all the uncertainty surrounding sequestration and the government shutdown, medical issues for us and for some of our loved ones- but there were also many rainbows amongst the clouds. Below are my accomplishments for 2013.

1. I added two new countries (Japan and Grand Turk) and two new territories (USVI and Puerto Rico) to my list of places I’ve travelled.
2. I completed all of the requirements and was approved for licensure as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in New Jersey, which allows me to practice without supervision and makes me significantly more employable.
3. Eight years after he gave me the IOU for tickets, I finally got to see Wicked.
4. I survived my first “real” deployment since becoming a mom.
5. I suggested an addition to an assessment tool at work that was implemented agency wide.
6. I identified a JCAHO requirement that was inadvertently omitted when we switched between assessment modules
7. I finally started taking a belly dancing class, after having wanted to get back into dancing for years.
8. I lost 23 lbs and 2 clothing sizes.
9. I braved my fear of unsecured heights to go parasailing in Grand Turk.
10. I navigated the Tokyo subway at rush hour without having a panic attack. (That’s not hyperbole… back in January I couldn’t even think about riding the subway without starting to feel short of breath and shaking a little.)
11. I managed to stomach some seriously weird food of uncertain origin in the mountains of Japan.
12. I took a shore excursion in an unfamiliar place with my three year old in tow, not knowing anyone else on the tour, and it turned out to be one of the most memorable parts of the whole cruise for me.
13. I volunteered for 6 months as the Key Spouse for my husband’s squadron.
14. I made a big batch of homemade coconut-lime salt scrub for my sister’s bridal shower.
15. I managed to pilot myself and toddler in a one-man kayak without dumping either of us into the creek.
16. I celebrated 7 years of marriage and 3 years of being a mom.

I’m looking forward to 2014- there are many adventures coming up. Generally speaking, I’m not a resolution person, but I know that I have been growing in a very positive direction in the past few months, and will be doing my darndest to keep that momentum going. Wishing you all happiness, health and success in 2014!

A Wiccan Yuletide

My family is Wiccan, so in December, we celebrate Yule, or the Winter Solstice, which is the shortest day and longest night of the year. The Winter Solstice has been an important holiday for many millennia. Cultures all across the earth have some way of marking the Winter Solstice, even if it is called something else. The exact Gregorian calendar date of the Solstice changes from year to year; it is based on the astronomical calendar and typically falls between December 20 and 22. For simplicity, some people just celebrate on December 21 every year. For Wiccans, Winter Solstice is revered as the rebirth of the Sun God, who brings the light back with him (although most people don’t notice the change until late January or early February, the amount of daylight actually begins to lengthen again after Winter Solstice).

The Solstice is a merry holiday. Candles are lit to welcome back the light. Mistletoe is hung as a sign of good will and friendship. A Yule Log may be lit at dusk, and tended to throughout the long, dark night until the Solstice sun returns in the morning. As with most Pagan holidays, a feast is held. Some choose to acknowledge the holiday by putting on a play celebrating the triumph of the Oak King (who rules the Waxing Year) over the Holly King (who rules the Waning Year). Because this is also a holiday for reflection and introspection, gifts are given in honor of an ancestor or a loved one who has passed on.

At Yule, a grapevine “wreath” in the shape of a pentagram (the symbol of our faith, representing the elements- earth, air, fire, water and spirit) with a small holly wreath at its center hangs on our front door. Most people pay it no mind, because it looks like star. We put up a Yule tree and decorate it with lights and ornaments. If you came to our house, you would probably not be able to distinguish it from a Christmas tree, because the custom of a Christmas tree was adapted from the ancient Celtic tradition of the Yule tree.

On the night of the solstice, we sit down to dinner as a family, and we follow dinner up with a Yule Log cake, which is created much the same way you make a jelly roll. I use a standard boxed chocolate cake mix, which I spread out on a layer of parchment paper spread across a rimmed cookie sheet. I bake it in the oven for about 7-8 minutes; just enough to let the cake set, without fully cooking. Once the cake cools slightly, I carefully spread the top with a thin layer of icing, then roll it up, secure with toothpicks, and finish the baking process. When the cake is fully baked and cooled, I cover it in chocolate icing, use a fork to create a bark texture, and use green and red icing to decorate it with a few sprigs of holly. Just before serving, I add three white candles. I’ve made several of these over the years… some have been gorgeous, some have been a disaster!

Both my husband and I were raised in Christian houses, and later converted to Wicca. Our son is only three, so celebrating the Wiccan holidays as a family with children is still new to us, and we tend to keep things pretty simple. Last year, we created a solstice sun craft that we found in the book Circle Round and Sing by Starhawk, Anne Hill and Diane Baker. We started with a sheet of black construction paper and sheet of yellow construction paper. We used a round paper plate as a template to make a circle on each piece of construction paper, and then cut out the circles and glued them to each other. We left the black side alone, to represent the dark night. We “painted” the yellow side with glue and then sprinkled it with gold glitter to create a shining sun. We cut thin strips out of orange construction paper and glued them around the edges of the yellow side to represent sun beams. The last step was to attach a looped piece of string so that we could hang our solstice craft on the door or in a window. Before bed on the night of the solstice, we ensured that our solstice craft was hanging on the door with the dark side out and then we lit an electric candle to burn as a beacon of hope through the long, dark night. (Traditionally, you would use a wax candle, but as you should never leave a burning candle unattended, we have modified the historical practice.)

On the morning following the longest night, we got up early, bundled up, and went out into the backyard just before sunrise to sing the sun awake with “The Sun is Born” by Diane Baker:

The sun is born again today
We greet the sun’s first morning ray
We sing and celebrate the light
The sun’s born in the longest night

We took some time to bask in the glory of the newborn sun and left bread, seeds and nuts for the birds and other winter animals, then headed inside and turned the Solstice craft around to the bright, beautiful sun!

Do you know someone who celebrates this holiday? Wish them a “Happy Solstice” or “Blessed Yule.”